Don’t Leave a Mess or …..

My daughter had several of her teenage friends over for her birthday party recently. My biggest fear in life is someone spilling anything on my precious carpet fibers. I am not even joking. I vacuum everyday, sometimes several times a day. Her friends are all into horror movies, learning about serial killers as each of them are interested in professional fields such as criminal justice, crime scene investigation, the study of a body after death to unlock the clues to what resulted in their demise.

I have a unique sense of humor (maybe unique is not the right word) and so I left them a powerful message regarding,  the importance of keeping my house spotless during their visit. And I wanted to talk their talk so I knew for certain they understood my message.

DISCLOSURE: Of course I have never stabbed anyone. I am head over heels in love with my husband. But if a hunk of burning love firefighter was to cross my path, I would stop and stare until I could no longer see him. For those who take life very seriously, relax for a moment and find the funny. The girls laughed – huge belly laughs – and my house remained spotless. Win! Win! Fire Fire!! Just kidding ….

The real message…..
Good evening my fearless ladies interested in death, be it through the eyes of the killer (or the ones that are one death short of obtaining their glorified title of “serial killer”) himself. Or through the eyes searching for said person, do not mess up my kitchen or it’s surrounding dwellings. I have stabbed people for much less! I am assuming that your interest leans more on the side of investigating the stabbing victim, rather than your body lending knowledge to those seeking what you did prior to you leaving a crumb on my floor and me being forced to use deadly “justified”force.

I would however welcome your story of sacrifice over a mere mortal crumb – the size only found under magnification of a highly sophisticated electron microscope, or my highly sensitive vision when it comes to the cleanliness of my throne – to my collection of poetry that flows out of me when deep sadness and darkness has entered my soul.

Peace out beauties! Yea I love you too.

The Party Girls Mom,
(who is patiently waiting for her hunk of hunk of firefighting love)

P.S. Do not critique my grammar or punctuation that will also land you at the edge of shiny and sharp.

The letter itself as delivered!

Stitches to Itches and Accidental Ditches

***Warning – Post includes profanity

Is it scary that the Urgent Care staff knows who I am like I am family? Is it scary that their first question is what were you doing, then what needs stitches? Is it concerning that I know I am getting a shot in the booty every time I go and sometimes I instantly beg them just to stab me with a needle? Did you know that Andrea is family at Urgent Care as well because she is always snuggling up to poison ivy?

Any conversations with my immediate family or Andrea always starts with “what are you doing?”, and ends with “we are not going to Urgent Care, right!” My children constantly threaten to call their Daddy if I am doing anything they consider could result in injury. My children do random visits orchestrated by my husband – he is turning them into tattle tale spies – just to say “hello”. They are teenagers and never want to say “hello” to their Mom when they could be helping her. You avoid work like it is the plague!

Things get uncertain when I am with Andrea. Okay, so we cut down a tree at her house using my “enough knowledge to be scary” husbands chain saw. I had never even touched the chain saw, seriously what could have gone wrong. The tree got cut down and nothing happened that time. With that one tree and chain saw project we could seriously start our own tree removal company. We just don’t want to … right now!

There was one incident where I nearly cut off three of my fingers while using the hedge trimmers. And one time I caught the neighbor’s yard on fire. I still have those fingers and a shorter extension cord (insert eye roll) and my neighbors did not even want the foliage in that part of their yard. Our chain link fence did have a little harmless damage as a result of that fire and eventually, we will need to replace three sections. But why worry about what does not need immediate attention?

I do learn from my “what the farm I am bleeding or “oh Sugar Honey Ice Tea, John will not like this” incidents. Just check out this extensive list below. My loved ones just need to relax a little.

Lawn Care Tips from (or for) Michelle

1. Do wear safety glasses. Yes, you look stupid! Eyes are essential. Got it!

2. That piece that broke off the weed whacker was important. No, you cannot fix it once you run over it with the lawnmower. This holds true for everything except grass clippings. Yes, your husband will notice it is missing and it messes with his zen. The dogs want their toys. Got it!

3. Not everything is a weed. Yes, we can get bell peppers, tomatoes, watermelons, jalapeños, cantaloupes and cucumbers from the grocery store, but there is a lot of work in planting a garden. It makes your husband angry. Know your weeds and only whack them down!

4. Replacing the blades on the weed whacker is easy they said! Okay, how the hell do you put it back together and what do you do with the extra screws? Please note, those screws matter and you should never throw them in the trash or run over them with the lawnmower.

5. It is not okay to use the “f” word when your husband tells you that taking the entire weed whacker apart to replace the blades is not necessary. Not even when he pushes that damn little button and the blades pop off. My access to the screwdrivers is gone. I now use a butter knife or the one I have hidden for emergencies.

6. The weed whacker is very sensitive. A little more gas and shit we are tunneling to China is a very delicate thing to balance. You are edging not digging a ditch. Got it!

7. Blades should last longer than one use. Maybe it was the ditch I whacked to China?

8. Yes, we have long extension cords. Yes, your husband can hide them from you. A shorter cord is for liability reasons. No, we cannot buy gas operated hedge trimmers. The gas weed whacker emphasized the need for electric only lawn equipment and a very short extension cord. No, the neighbors did not appreciate my help with the weed whacker. I used to hook one extension cord to another and another and another and reach far, but now that I cannot find the cords my ability to lend a hand to the pool hedges and wooded common areas are gone.

9. Your children bringing you water is not because they are kind. It is because your husband told them to make sure I am still cutting grass – in our yard, that I did not find the longer extension cords, nothing is burning. I was just carrying the gas container to the burn pile because it is not safe near a running lawn mower. My kids need to get their facts straight before they tattle tale on me. Karma did you make not of that?

10. When the neighbors say they feel sorry for the people who have to care for me when I get old and senile, it is not okay to flip them the bird. Waving is okay! They do not understand the flock of birds joke.

11. Hedges do grow back. The homeowners association is not sensitive to the time it takes to grow them back. Go easy!

12. Yes, the weed whacker is hard to start. Calling it a “bitch” when the neighbors’ kids are playing in the yard is frowned upon. The “f” word does feel more appropriate, again neighbors’ kids.

13. When you have your headphones in apparently you speak a lot louder than you realize. Important to know when trying to start the weed whacker. Singing is louder as well! I do not sound just like The Notorious B.I.G even with the lawnmower as the backup. I have abandoned my dream of being a rapper! Lawn care kills dreams and has a lot of rules and precautions.

14. When you need to cut the grass, and the neighbor cuts his first and makes your yard look like crap you cannot stand on the porch and mean mug him. It is rude!

15. It is true that just a little more off the hedges is okay. 100 little mores are a problem.

16. Box hedges should look like a “box”. Who would have thought! Just because we can choose the shape of our fingernails, does not mean we should apply those freedoms to the BOX hedges. Make them look like a boring BOX! Another stupid rule but I will follow it because John said I had to!

17. Using a ladder on a hill to trim anything is a bad idea. No, the weed whacker is not a better option. No, my son will not take my picture while leaning over the porch railing with the weed whacker. No, he will not send a picture to his father telling him I am hanging over the railings no matter how cool I think I look. My son is responsible for safety and rules enforcement. Pictures and videos are a conflict of interest and foster encouragement to break the rules. BONUS PRECAUTION: Using a ladder on top of your bed to paint the ceiling is also a terrible idea, even if your daughter – who thinks it’s a bad idea in the first place – holds the ladder. She got bruised badly during that project and whined about it for weeks. Suck it up buttercup you are still breathing!

18. Running out of room in the trash bin happens. Standing in the trash bin is a bad idea. No, my son will not take my picture while standing in the trash bin and send it to his father. No video of me jumping up and down either. No, the neighbor is not okay if you dump it over the fence. No fire! One more time. NO FIRE! NO … FIRE! Got it … okay!

19. Holding the hedge trimmers as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre feels liberating, but again scares the hell out of the neighbors. My son is a no go with the camera!

20. Poop scooping is essential BEFORE cutting the grass. Yes, it flies. Yes, the lawn mower will suck poo into the leaf bag. On the surface, this seems like a better option than scooping. The poo does not disappear into an abyss when the time comes to empty the leaf bag. Enough said about that. You get the idea.

21. The gas for the weed whacker and the lawn mower are different. YES, it matters!

22. Hedge trimmers are an empowering type of tool. There is a limit on how much power you should exercise while using them. Your husband will frown upon missing vegetation.

23. No, the kids do not want me to cut their sandwiches in half with the hedge trimmers. No, I cannot call them wimps. No, I cannot use the hedge trimmers to cut my steak. The ones we use to carve the turkey are different. Bigger and faster are not always better. Got it!

24. Stay away from the chainsaw. Yes, it is dangerous. It uses different gas as well and it matters. Stick to the electric hedge trimmers, hedges grow back faster.

25. Flips-flops and the weed whacker do not mix. The inventor of flip-flops must have been a real uptight asshole. But follow this rule. Your eyes, toes, and feet are essential parts of the body.

26. The wheels on the push mower go up and down. This is not for entertainment! When cutting the grass if you see dirt, it is too low. Adjust all four. It matters! Yes, to the same height on all four wheels. Do not adjust the height of the wheels in the middle of cutting the grass. Once you pick the wheel height for this lawn care session you are committed! Your husband nor the homeowners association will appreciate a “dimensional” type cut. The goal here is to have evenly cut grass that is still green! Boring but conforms with the rules.

17. The leaf blower makes a good fan. No, my child will not walk beside me holding the leaf blower like a fan while I cut grass. This is why you do not spoil your children. They turn into ungrateful, logical, snobs.

How do you release the blade? Just start pushing some buttons. We will figure it out.

 

NEVER STAND ON THE TOP STEP OF THE LADDER!

He makes all these frivolous rules, but does not follow them!

When the saw is emitting black smoke and smells like it is on fire does not mean you are just really good and fast at cutting wood. You are not the Road Runner Saw Bombshell! Know which direction the arrows on the blade should be facing.

That project resulted in breaking the bone in the top of my hand.

We figured it out and managed to keep all of our eyes. SUCCESS!

The freaking hedge trimmers should know the difference between hedges and fingers. My phone can turn on the crock pot from work.

Yeah it was a dirty job, but someone had to do it!

I took it apart to fix it. Had to toss it because some screws were missing. I thought Dyson’s were solid!